5 Reasons You Don’t Know What You Want — Taming Frenzy
Do you wonder if there’s something wrong with you if you’re not sure what you want going forward into the next chapter of your life?
You’re definitely not alone and no…there’s nothing wrong with you.
In fact, it’s not uncommon for older women to struggle when they’re thinking about what they want for the next chapter of their life. There are several reasons why this struggle is so common.
At some point in our lives many of us reach the point where we’re ready for a change.
We want something different, but we’re not sure exactly what that “different’ thing is.
And our confusion frustrates us. It makes us doubt ourselves because we feel like we should always know exactly what we want, and the fact that we don’t must mean there’s something wrong with us.
There isn’t.
It’s not as uncommon as you might thing for people — especially older women — to struggle to figure out what they want as their life changes.
There may be a world of possibilities out there, but we feel limited. And we often are…but not for the reasons you might think.
Let’s take a look at five reasons you may not know what you want.
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1: You Were Never Encouraged To Dream
Okay, let’s just get real for a minute.
If you’re a woman “of a certain age” then there’s a very good chance that you weren’t encouraged to dream and think about a future of your own when you were young.
Whether we like to admit it or not, life was different.
I remember hearing things like:
- boys don’t like girls who are too smart (thank goodness I found a man who proved this to be wrong!)
- don’t call too much attention to yourself…it’s not ladylike
- there are certain roles for men and other roles for women
- you can’t be more ambitious or successful than the man in your life
The result was that when (or IF) a girl did talk about the plans she had for her future life, she was pretty quickly reigned in so that she didn’t get her hopes up too high.
Goodness knows we didn’t want her to be disappointed.
2: You Were Encouraged To Pursue Traditional Routes
Another reason it may be difficult to figure out what you want is because of societal, cultural, and familial expectations.
Many of us were raised very traditionally and with the expectation that life would lead us down a certain path: to marriage and motherhood.
Now I’m not knocking marriage and motherhood. I’ve been married since dinosaurs roamed the earth and I’ve got three grown kids who I adore and wouldn’t trade for anything.
These are the things that make my life worth living and that I know I will be most proud of when I’m on my deathbed.
But unlike the generation of women who are just younger than us, many of us weren’t told that we could be or do anything we wanted when we grew up. It’ not that we were totally muzzled or forbidden to do anything, but there was a pretty clear understanding of the way our life would play out.
And while I realize that this is a very small sample size upon which to draw conclusions, I can’t think of a single female I went to high school with who didn’t either get married after she got her diploma, or made anything other than a teacher or a nurse if she pursued further education.
And I’m not knocking any of those options. After all, I was an educator for 32 years before retiring and we need good teachers and nurses in this world.
What I AM saying is that we weren’t encouraged to think of other alternatives.
Instead of encouragement to become a doctor, lawyer, architect, or engineer, the acceptable options were those that would easily support our home life and make it easier for us to be available to our husband and children.
I remember being encouraged to become a teacher because it would give me “summers off with my kids.” That actually turned out to be a bit of a joke considering how much teachers work during the summer on professional development and other projects, but that’s another story.
The point is that when you’re not encouraged to dream when you’re younger, it’s often hard to dream when you’re older. You don’t have any practice doing it and it feels strange…alien, even.
But in order to make changes as you move into the next phase of your life, you must be able to dream about the possibilities so that you can make choices.
And that can be hard to do when dreaming doesn’t come naturally to you.
3: You’ve Let Fear Hold You Back
Okay, it’s not just fear that has held us back…indecision has played a large role as well. But I think that a lot of indecision is rooted in fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of change, Fear of loss. Fear of looking stupid or making a mistake.
While fear is just an emotion, it’s a very powerful one…and one that we’re all susceptible to.
It’s so easy to stay where we feel comfortable…in our comfort zones. The thought of breaking out and doing something new or different is scary and often creates a sense of paralysis…which may be disguised as indecision.
Now, if you’re finding it hard to break out of your comfort zone then you’re not alone. I’ve written before about why it’s important to get out of your comfort zone, and tips to help you.
4: It’s Been Ages Since You Even Thought About What You Want
Let’s face it…life is busy and simply getting through day to day can be a challenge. Especially when you have kids still at home and when you’re working full time outside the home.
It’s hard to see something different for yourself when you’re deep in the middle of the muck. Just getting through the day and taking care of all of the mundane things that go into keeping home and family together is exhausting.
And exhaustion doesn’t lend itself to self-reflection or to dreaming about the future.
5: It’s A Whole New World Out There…So How Do We Navigate It?
The other night, hubby and I watched a movie from either the late 70s or early 80s. We both commented on how interesting it is to see the old technology and how far things have advanced since then.
Now, advancement is a great things. I don’t know many people who are willing to give up their smart phones or their internet or any other modern conveniences.
But all of these advancements may give us a feeling of being “out of date” or “obsolete”. And this kind of thinking can stifle our daydreams.
There are so many new things and opportunities out there that we may not even be aware of. And even if we ARE aware of them, we may feel that we don’t have the skills to pursue them.
Heck, if you’d told me a few years ago that I would work online and spend my life on a computer, I’d have laughed at you.
One of the first major disagreements hubby and I ever had was over the purchase of a computer. He was in grad school and needed one and I thought it was an extravagant, expensive, and silly purchase.
These days I’m the one lobbying for an update when my computer and other technology gets too old!
The point is that it may take some research and exploration to figure out what new opportunities are out there that you might be interested in. But spending time looking at possibilities will help you narrow down the options.
You’ll find things you know you’re not interested in because they just don’t float your boat, and you’ll find some that pique your interest.
Either way, it’s a good thing because it helps you learn more about yourself, your interests, and that is information that is going to help you make decisions.
Conclusion:
So don’t be too hard on yourself if you’ve been struggling. You’re definitely not alone. And there are some very real reasons why figuring out what you want can be a difficult process.
But like everything else that’s worth doing or having, the time you spend on it isn’t wasted.
You’re worth investing in, whether that investment is financial, emotional, or time. So cut yourself some slack and start letting your imagination run wild.
You never know what’s in store for you in the next chapter of your life.
If you’d like help overcoming some of the limiting beliefs that are holding you back, you can sign up for my email list and get your copy of the Overcoming Limiting Beliefs Exercise by clicking HERE.
Originally published at https://tamingfrenzy.com on June 1, 2024.
